From Brain to Mouth..No Filter

Once Upon A Long Time Ago

2010-06-02T23:05:00.000-07:00

He was about 8 years old. He sat on the toilet for what seemed an eternity. I'm in the living room talking to my girlfriend who lived next door.

Boy: (yelling) "MOOOMMMM!!! Bring me some juice!!!!"

Me: "Whaaaaaaaaaat? Juice? You're going potty."

Boy: "I can't go poop!! Justin says if you drink juice, it'll help you go poop."

Me: "Boy! It doesn't work like that......you have to dr........" Boy: "Never mind mom!! I think I got it!!"

Turn to girlfriend, mouth open to say something about the conversation to see her head down on the table, shoulders shaking from laughing.

Crazy Ass Neighbor

2010-05-28T17:58:00.000-07:00

I have a crazy ass neighbor. I enjoy the free mowing of the yard, since I didn't ask him to do that, the free trimming of my overgrown bushes, since I didn't ask him to do that, but trimming my overgrown trees in my backyard that go over your fence by approximately 1 inch and then throwing all the cuttings into my back yard? Not enjoying that. Freak.

Whaaaaaaa????

2010-05-13T22:43:00.001-07:00

Now why the hell did DUI ads show up in my google ad bar after my last post? Google is weird. It's like they're trying to confuse and piss me off.

Jesus Christ I'm bad at this

2010-05-13T22:41:00.000-07:00

But I do promise to TRY and improve. I'm going to write some random thoughts I've had recently:

Why do I get upset if someone makes a comment about something I wrote and they get all offensivey? I can't tell you how many times I had to retype what I wrote because the claws instantly came out and I wanted to snark all over their ass.

I think I have anger issues.

I think my memory is starting to go. Along with my hormones. According to the doctor, my hormones are normal. Really? Then why do I have this strong instinctive feeling to rip your head off and replace it with a barbie head.

I think I have anger issues.

I really love my rescue dog. He's so great. I love watching him walk in a U turn when he wags his tail really hard because he's happy I'm home. My ex never did that. That's a bonus with getting a dog over a boyfriend.

I think my dog helps my anger issues.

I wasn't talking about comments on this blog because I'm pretty sure I'm the only one who reads this site.

I really need to take the time to snaz this site up a bit. It needs a little sump'n.

My shopping list for Thanksgiving dinner a la Eric

2009-11-22T12:54:00.000-08:00

One of my best friends is hysterical. He makes me laugh until I cry. He's also big on cooking from scratch and anyone who knows me knows that I do not. If there are more than 4 cans involved, I will usually get take out.

I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year in my new house. Eric is helping me cook and by helping me, I buy the groceries and he will do the cooking. So, glasses up everyone and toast the fat bastard pilgrims without whom, we wouldn't be gorging on food to the point of illness and without whom I wouldn't get the chance to share this gem from Eric sent to me as my shopping list before the festivities. So enjoy everybody!!

Turkey (16 to 20 lb)
This is easy. It comes in a bag very a la Sue Thanksgiving style. Buy fresh not frozen. The microwave on defrost will do a very inadequate job thawing a turkey on the BIG DAY.

Green bean casserole
The Canned Everything aisle has all the delightful ingredients to make this Thanksgiving dish remember-able. Drink heavily and you will not notice the taste.

Sweet potato slices. Thanks Paula Dean for this wonderful Thanksgiving side. Only Paula could kill the nutritional benefits of this lovely root vegetable. How you may ask? Dredge each slice liberally in butter and bake them in their butter juices until golden brown. I know what you are saying, " if I spray Pam on it will that work? I thing I can make this a healthier option for my dinner table that way." To that I say FUCK NO! Do you think the Pilgrims had Pam? Well maybe one Pilgrim did and if she sprayed it surely wasn't to enhance dinner. These Pilgrims risked their lives for us and you want to cheapen their sacrifice by spraying fucking Pam on vegetables? What are you a Communist? I'm sure that shit flies in China but not here sweetheart!
-Garnet Yams
-Butter
-Salt and pepper

Crab dish
-Eric has it UNDER CONTROL!

Vegetable (corn)
-in a can (preferably from Trader Joe's their corn is the sweetest. Right out of the Mills Country Kitchen, ubber opening a can is right up your alley. Heat and serve.

Stuffing (sausage/cranberry). This delightful dish is made from scratch lovingly using all fresh ingredients. It is completley acceptable to make this ahead the night before and keep refrigerated until the next day. Add chicken stock the following day and Voila it is ready to go either in the bird or in a pan. Quick tip: we have found that a healthy dose of a lovely Chardonnay (consumed by the chef) make the flavorings of this dish pop! Magic? We do not know but it works!
-Loaf of whole wheat bread
-celery
-carrots
-onions
-italian sausage
-dried cranberries
-oregano, thyme, basil, rosemary
-salt and pepper
-Chicken stock

Cranberry sauce. This is a Thanksgiving classic that knocks those shitty gelatinous can versions. The can versions are only good for slightly retarded individuals who prefer to have a slice line so they can portion control. To this we say, buck it up fucker and be thankful you have food. Take the extra 10 minutes you lazy turd and make this dish from scratch. For Christ sake do it for the fucking Pilgrims!!!
-bag of fresh cranberries
-sugar
-orange juice
-orange zest

Cheese board. Yet again another lovely appetizer a la Sue. This requires opening a package of crackers, and a lovely cranberry crusted goat cheese, smoked jalapeno cheddar and brie en croute (brie wrapped in puff pastry). For the lazy dumb asses out there you can look for puff pastry in the freezer aisle. If that is too much of a safari expedition just grab some Pillsbury dough in a pop can and use that shit. Again that is only if you hate the Pilgrims and what they did for us. If it wasn't for them we could be eating bangers and mash Thursday!!! Truly exquisite chefs from the Homosesuality Villaje make their own puff pastry. Watch and be amazed!

Pumpkin pie. By this point and time we are rip shit drunk and should not be handling sharp things or trying to roll things out. Rolling pins are not stable to lean on when you are using them for balance! It is just dessert so who gives a fuck. It is OK to be drunk on Thanksgiving. It honors the Pilgrims who would have had an easier time dealing with life's travails if they could go buy a fifth at CVS like we can! Is CVS open Thanksgiving day? If not plan ahead!
-canned pumpkin (gasp)
-follow label on can for other ingredients
-either we can make our own crusts or buy the shit

Cherry cha cha
-lotsa canned stuff and a mixer.

Chocolate cream
-who the fuck cares at this point?

BOOZE
-Wednesday night we drink Wine
-Thursday morning we drink Champagne!!!
-Thursday mid-day we still drink CHAMPAGNE!!! and some wine
-During dinner hydrate with water (do it for the Pilgrims) and more wine
-After dinner with dessert we drink coffee that we have dumped Kahlua or Frangelico in!

Help Anissa's family

2009-11-18T13:03:00.001-08:00

Anissa Mayhew suffered a stroke yesterday. She is a blogger, wife and mommy. Help her family if you can.

Prop 8

2009-09-27T13:44:00.000-07:00

Yes, I know it's late. The election is over and Prop 8 passed. There are reasons why I didn't post about this awful hate-filled prop. (If you voted yes on Prop 8 - get the fuck off my web-site. You make baby Jesus cry.)

I'm one of the people who stood on corners with NO on PROP 8 signs, NO on PROP 8 bumper stickers all over my car, called voters to discuss the prop and try to persuade them to vote no, went to rallies and marched when we lost. I saw people cry and hug their partner. I witnessed people who married in the "allowed time-frame" look with such sadness at the people who did not and know that for now, they will not have the same equal rights. I saw friends on both sides of religion become distant and drift apart because of that one prop. That proposition did more than just discriminate against a group of people, it divided a state.

I honestly did not think this prop would pass. I honestly believed that legalized discrimination was wrong and clearly people could see that. I had no idea the amount of ignorance out there and how people could use the bible to justify their hate.

There was another group who held the bible up while justifying their hideous crimes. The Salem Witch trials. Looking back now we can't imagine the horror of burning people at the stake because they were a "witch" all while holding a bible. Apparently, we have learned nothing. Now we point fingers at somebody who is different than us and say you can't have the same rights as me, all while holding the bible.

Imagine I started a new religion. It's called the religion of Motherofthemonth. (This is my web-site so I can call it whatever I want. Pfffffbbbbbbttttt) This religion really takes off. I even have a book! It's called the "mible". In the mible, it states that marriage can only be between a man and a man. A marriage between a man and a woman is blasphemy. Now, hypothetically speaking, I am a woman of great means. I have more money than Bill Gates. (This is reeeeeally hypothetical.) So I decide to buy legislation and put a prop on the ballot with confusing literature and "opposite day" mentality. If you vote yes on the prop, you are legalizing discrimination. Everyone would look at me like I had lost my fucking mind. And yet here we are.

Now if my memory serves me right, from the little amount of history class I managed to not sleep through, one of the reasons our ancestors came to this great nation was to avoid religious persecution. Freedom of Religion. We loved it so much we even wrote it into the Bill of Rights. Yet, if somebody does not believe in the majority of the population that subscribes to a certain way of thought, they're being pushed down. Over-ruled and persecuted. Exactly what we were originally trying to escape.

All during the campaign we were told to be nice. Talk and don't shout. Don't give them another reason to hate us. I did that. I was polite when so called "christians" yelled "SINNER!" while flipping me the finger. (It just drips with irony, doesn't it?) I saw bible-thumpers glare, yell, gesture all while I tried to take the higher road and not stoop to that level. I probably bit my tongue more during that period than I have my entire life.

Well, the election is over and I'm pissed. No more Ms Nice Girl. To all you haters out there who feel it is your duty to dictate how others can live their life, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU, FUCK YOU. How the hell does someone else's happiness affect your life? Are you so miserable in your own life that you don't want anyone else to be happy? Have gays come and fucked each other in the ass in front of you and now you're scarred for life? Since when is, what you believe, your version of religion the only religion allowed and should be written into law? In other words, where the fuck do you get off?!

I had a conversation with someone who said they didn't believe in gay marriage. That's fine. We're not asking you to change your beliefs. I don't care if you believe in unicorns either but don't write into law how everyone has to think the way you do. If you don't believe in gay marriage, I suggest you don't marry someone of the same sex. But Brent and Eric who live down the street have just as much right to share their lives together as you do. As my ex once said, "they should have the same right to be as miserable as the rest of us". I didn't know quite how to respond to that but bravo.

This is a civil issue, plain and simple. Dictionary.com defines discrimination as follows:

1.	an act or instance of discriminating.

2.	treatment or consideration of, or making a distinction in favor of or against, a person or thing based on the group, class, or category to which that person or thing belongs rather than on individual merit: racial and religious intolerance and discrimination.

3.	the power of making fine distinctions; discriminating judgment: She chose the colors with great discrimination.

4.	Archaic. something that serves to differentiate.

One group of people have a set group of rights while another does not. The treatment of a class of people based on religious intolerance. Prop 8 is legalized discrimination and nobody can argue against that without sounding like an idiot.

I know one day we'll look back at this time in history and think, what do you mean homosexuals couldn't marry? Just like we now say, what do you mean women didn't have the right to vote? What do you mean blacks were considered 2/3 a person? What do you mean blacks and whites couldn't marry? Same shit, different decade.

I won't even get into the whole separation of church and state because to me, that is such a no-brainer. Or how the economy will be boosted with weddings, anniversaries and sad but true, divorces. I guess California has enough money already so we shouldn't be thinking about ways to bring in additional revenue since apparently we're rolling in the dough. Isn't that right Arnold?

I could write so much more about this subject but this post is long enough and personally, I feel spent. Writing this has brought up emotions and feelings I felt before that were not positive but made me feel rather ill and incredibly sad. I know like a bad burrito, this too shall pass. We'll look back one day and think how far we've come. I should feel excited being on the forefront of the "movement" but I don't. I feel sick that we allowed this to happen. We said yes to pushing a class of people down to settle our own insecurities. We said yes to hurting other people who affect us in no way, shape or form. We said yes to hate.

I have often said there are times when I'm ashamed to be part of this species. This species that has an incredible capacity for love. I have seen this species do things that are absolutely touching and beyond comprehension. The wherewith all to know right from wrong. Or so I thought.

Blogging: The New Passive Agressive

2009-08-24T12:23:00.000-07:00

The kids were with dad on their summer vacation before school started. All is quiet in the house. The dog is mopey because the kids are gone and my friends, who are proud owners of an RV, wanted to park the monstrosity at the beach for a fun day of relaxation, food, sun and overall summer goodness. Count me in.

There is a strip near the beach where there is approximately 25 feet wide of parking and it's parallel parking on the street side only. Inside, you can park either head/ass in, leaving a car width to drive out of. Pretty simple stuff, right? Apparently not. Cars started double-parking leaving that car width (for the people who were savvy enough to get their early to get one of the coveted inside parking spots) about 1/2 car short. As I sat in the RV watching openings meant for people to get through suddenly close up because asshat A thought how fortunate he was to find that available parking spot. Never mind that nobody can now move until you decide you're done for the day and leave. People started complaining to the life-guard. I saw a lot of hand waving, "Jackasses" being muttered and that was just by me!

Realizing that I could not stay all day due to some mom duties I needed to tend to before the kids got home, I started watching with interest. Noting how my car was suddenly immobile because jackass didn't see a problem with parking right in front of me, I start to stew. I march in the RV for a better look from a higher location to assess who's the asshole and holy crap! You can't park there!! I can actually feel my blood pressure start to rise. Now granted, I was holding a nice Mojito in my hand but the other hand is gesturing wildly from the safety of inside the RV. Periodically, I would manage to go outside, sit in a chair and discuss my observations with my friends who have now started to give each other those looks of, "girl needs to learn to relax". Was that a horn? In I go to mutter to myself or peek around the corner to see how the, "there is no fucking way my car can fit through there!!"

The weather was beautiful. A cool breeze, the sound of the ocean, the warm sand on our toes and I spent the whole time going from my perching spot in the RV to sitting in the chair commenting on how others were parked. I completely forgot I didn't even have to leave for several hours. "What if there was an emergency?" "How can anyone leave?" The whole time I'm thinking: I'm so blogging about this! I'll show you. Who? The anonymous driver, granted he's an asshole as most drivers are, who I will more than likely never see again? Or the older couple who came to the beach for an afternoon of sunshine? (Don't even get me started on why they have to drive a vehicle bigger than their double-wide.)

By the time I left, people had started to leave so holes in the car line-up were starting to appear. I got out just fine. The whole way home I started getting angry at myself for getting so worked up over something as stupid as parking. This girl needs to learn to relax. Oh wait a second......you in the blue truck, you did NOT just cut me off like that!! You're next asshole, you're next.

About that keeping up on blogging......

2009-07-28T21:47:00.001-07:00

Oops. Now it's July and so much as happened. I'd like to be able to say that I haven't posted because I'm so busy that I've had no time but that would be lying. Am I kidding me? I have tons of time, loads of it. But lazy is a nasty bitch and she has tied herself to me with great force.

I get a hormone panel done next month to see if this funk I'm in is a part of life (I'm hoping it is because this can't be normal). If not.......happy pills here I come because seriously, I'm afraid to open my mouth for fear of ripping somebody's head off verbally.

Tonight there was traffic up the ass and this asshat drove in the center emergency lane only to bypass the rest of us that aren't as busy as him. Considering my mental state right now........you can only imagine how loud and animated I was in the car the rest of the trip home. I'm still hoping he dies a horrible and unimaginable death.

Deep breath, deep breath. Ok, so I'll be back. Probably sooner than later because I need to write about shit. Twitter and Facebook doesn't give me the space I, apparently, need.

Ciao for now.

New Year's Resolution

2009-02-10T21:25:00.001-08:00

I resolute to get noticed by the bloggers that I refresh about every 20 minutes to see if they posted anything else that will make me shoot coffee out of my nose while working. Oh yea, and the usual......lose weight, be kinder, don't scowl, don't kill others, blah blah.....well, here's hoping. Regarding the other bloggers, when I learn how to do it, I will totally link their sites on here because they write some of the funniest shit I've read to date. I read them religiously and if any of them commented on something I wrote, I swear I would pee my pants. You know, after I screamed "OHMYFUCKINGOD....OHMYFUCKINGOD!!!!!!" Yup, that's my resolution. Get noticed by people I have never met and who have no idea that I exist.

Christmas years gone by

2008-12-29T19:25:00.000-08:00

True story. It's May, I'm on the phone with a friend of mine who happens to be a fireman. We're chatting and my dog walks by.

Me: My dog just walked by the tree.

Friend: What tree?

Me: Jesus, I hope she doesn't fart. That thing will go up in flames.

Friend: What tree?

Me: Although if there aren't any needles anymore, what's to burn?

::crickets::

Friend: Do you mean your Christmas tree from last year?

Me: Ummm....yea.

Friend: I think I'm obligated by law to come and remove that fire hazard.

10:00pm: Under cover of dark, dragged tree to dumpster. The next morning as I was walking out the apartment thought, "hmmm.....probably should have gone back over it with a broom as there is definitely a trail from my front door to the dumpster. Oh well. At least the dog can now fart without fear of blowing up."

Was totally offended when the office had a pool the following Christmas on the month I take down the tree. If you had April, come see me for your prize.

Bah humbug

2008-12-29T19:03:00.000-08:00

So, am I the only one who hates Christmas? First of all, I hate all people. With the exception of my kids and a few friends, I could basically have the rest of the masses thrown into the abyss of space and I'd wave goodbye with glee. (Seeeeeya....wouldn't want to beeeeeeyaaaaaaa) So you can imagine my joy having to shop in great crowds. (Also the reason why I hate hate hate clothes shopping) I overbuy because I'm kind of an all or nothing kind of gal and basically after 20 minutes I'm ready to kill everyone in my vicinity for just existing. That's when it's good to sit and have a coffee. (Because caffeine was what was missing...oh yea) Add something sugary and I'm ready for another whole 10 minutes of battling the crowds in my quest to find that one gift that will bring a small amount of happiness to my life.

Then January comes and here comes the hangover. Credit card statements. Now how the hell did I spend THAT much money!? I HATE to shop! Dammit. And I love taking down all the Christmas decorations when wouldn't you know it, my kids magically disappear because they're busy with homework, getting together with friends, sleeping and eating. Dammit.

It is a relief when it's over, everything is put away and you feel the pressure off. Until some moron says "only 340 days until Christmas". It takes every ounce of my power to keep from hitting said person in the throat. This is probably also the same asshole that shops for Christmas in July.

Anyone got a rocket launcher?

Holy Shit!

2008-10-02T14:55:00.001-07:00

Has it been a year already? Crap......I really gotta get going on this thing.

BTW

2007-09-03T11:46:00.000-07:00

This is completely new to me and I will be changing the look of this blog frequently. (Basically, waiting for the girl to become available so she can help her mom out.) She's a pro at this sort of thing so know that when you see changes, and they will start soon, the girl was home.

The purpose

2007-09-03T11:14:00.000-07:00

The reasons I've started this blog:

1) Mortified look on the girl's face when I told her I was going to start a blog. "You're not going to write about us, are you?!"

2) Mortified look on best friend's face when I told him I was going to start a blog. "I get first editing rights, don't I?"

3) Reading other blogs and realizing that I can swear! (It's not just for work anymore) Add sipping (chugging) a glass of wine, sitting in front of the computer, spewing the contents of my thoughts.......people, I have found paradise.